Catherine Pennell, with husband, John
“Perfectly Numb to New Creation”
I spent most of my childhood striving to be “perfect”. I thought that if I was “good” and followed all the traditions of the Catholic Church, I might go to heaven. But I am a sinner, and it was impossible to be perfect like I thought I was supposed to be.
However, on the outside, my life looked perfect. I went from almost perfect grades in grade school and high school, to classical piano competitions, to graduating with an Economics degree from University of Maryland, to a career in Investment Banking and Financial Software with a six-digit income. I had nice cars, nice shoes, world travels, a successful fiancé and achievements to brag about.
But the reality of my life was not as it appeared. Behind closed doors, I often suffered from depression, nightmares and severe stomach aches. No one ever knew. I didn’t even realize that these ailments were the evidence of my buried emotions. The disappointment of never feeling good enough caused me to bury my emotions in partying, men, work, cigarettes, alcohol and drugs, and mask them with a constant smile and intense ambition. At some point along the way, I decided that I could never trust or rely on anyone. This was the driving force that allowed me to build a successful career and build a wall of money around myself, insuring my independence and preventing any chance of being vulnerable.
The constant guilt of not living up to what I was taught God wanted from me, eventually pushed me away from religion. I gave up on being “good” and left the Catholic Church. I gave my life over to my sin, and my life spun out of control. I lived in sin with my fiancé and followed his every sinful command. Eventually, God got a hold of me and I came to my senses for a short period, long enough to break off the engagement and eventually the entire relationship. Two months later, his new girlfriend physically beat me up in a bar, leaving my view of humanity destroyed and shutting me down almost permanently. I was callous and angry after that. I became perfectly numb, all behind a constant smile.
But again, years later, God got a hold of me. He set up the circumstances in my life so that I would open up my heart and get so betrayed and hurt in my sin that partying, men, work, cigarettes, alcohol and drugs were no longer sufficient to cover the pain that I felt. Jesus’s blood was the only solution at this point. I reached for God and gave my life to Him. I always knew Jesus had died on the cross for my sins, but I didn’t know that His blood alone would cover them. The Catholic Church never told me that His blood was sufficient. In attending Calvary Chapel Kaua’i, I started reading the bible and learning about God’s grace and mercies and His love for me. I learned that His death on the cross and His resurrection has saved me and because I have given my life to Him, I am “born again” and a “new creation” in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “For if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new”.
My life is still not perfect and I still have struggles, however, because Jesus has forgiven me of my sins, I can accept His forgiveness and let go of the guilt of my sins. I know now I can never be “perfect”, which is exactly why I need Jesus. I have an answer for my problems and no longer need to reach for anything else but God. I can trust God in ALL things. Since surrendering my life to the Lord, God has given me the desires of my heart, blessing me with a wonderful husband that also loves the Lord. I have also learned that God is faithful and always present in my life. I have Him to lean on, His Word to guide me, His love to comfort me, His promises to give me hope and His blessings to give me joy. I am no longer numb and dead in my trespasses. I am a new creation and born again in Christ. AMEN! Thank You, Jesus!
Malie de la Cruz
“Top Choice”
Everyday I make choices, some of which are easy, others very difficult. I like the easy ones, like choosing what I’ll eat or wear. My choice to follow Christ was the best decision I’ve ever made, yet it was a difficult one; one that meant giving up a certain lifestyle I embraced for years.
I grew up in a home where my mom regularly attended Catholic Church, while my dad stopped going during my junior high years. Although I went to church through my freshman year in high school, I had no relationship with God. I didn’t even know that He wanted a relationship with me. My family, unfortunately, didn’t model genuine Christianity. As soon as we left the church on Sundays, my dad was either yelling at my mother or at us kids. Because of the relationship my mom and dad had I remember thinking to myself that I would never let anyone treat me that way.
I was very athletic. I competed in a number of sports: track, gymnastics, volleyball and basketball. I was most passionate about playing softball. In my freshman year of high school, I was recruited to play for an elite softball team. This is where I had my first exposure with homosexuality. For a long time I had no idea that everyone on the team was a lesbian. I had a boyfriend at that time. Nobody questioned me, nor did they tell me anything. I was kept completely in the dark. Then things took a sudden turn. A team celebration was planned—a party that my teammates realized would expose me to their sexual preferences.
Finally, my teammates told me they were lesbians. The actions of some of the gals at the party brought the police, which caused our team manager to be greatly concerned. He threatened to disband the team. This, in turn, led me to tell my mom about my team’s sexuality. My mom was absolutely shocked. She told me that homosexuality was wrong and that it said so in the Bible. Because she didn’t read the Bible, she couldn’t tell me where in the Bible it stated such things. So, in my mind, I thought my mother was merely stating her opinion as well as the opinion of others. I continued to play softball with the team, accepting the differences between my teammates and myself–I had my boyfriend and they had their girlfriends.
At age eighteen, I got pregnant, was married, stopped playing ball, and had two children. After seven years of marriage, I divorced my husband. It was after my divorce that I entered into my first lesbian relationship, which lasted for about one year but the next relationship lasted for…are you ready?… 15 years. In fact, everyone who knew us always looked at our “marriage” as the perfect model. They used to say that if we ever broke up, that no marriage could work. It seemed as though we didn’t have to work at it. We just got along really well. We hated being away from each other. No spiritual warfare there! Why? I now believe that Satan figured we weren’t going to be inheriting the kingdom of God anyway. So, why should he waste his time with us? 1 Cor. 6:9-10 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immortal nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders not thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
In the midst of my sinful lifestyle, God graciously reached into my life! Teresa, a Christian co-worker, was constantly inviting me to her house for dinner and Bible study. I always had an excuse. But one day in 1996, for some reason (I now know it was God tugging at my heart), I did accept the dinner and bible study invitation. I had a wonderful time. Later that week, I went to a bookstore and purchased a Catholic Bible since that was my spiritual background. The following week I went to her house several times.
I immersed myself in His Word. I read my Bible every moment I could. I bought an audio Bible and listened to it on my way to and from work. I also began to listen to a Christian radio station. The more I read and heard, the more I loved this God, this Jesus I came to know. I began to feel conflicted about my currently held values and beliefs in light of what God’s Word was saying. I tried to go back to the church denomination I grew up in but was left feeling empty. We didn’t read out of our Bible and I found that the sermons were more topical and really didn’t reference scripture. So, I did what I knew was a no-no: I went to a different church denomination and discovered a Bible reading and believing church. What a difference! I was happy and content, but I was still living with my partner…
Then one day my world was rocked when Teresa took me to lunch. After lovingly listening to all that I was learning, she said, “You know, God does not honor the relationship you have with this other person.” I immediately heard what she said and after a few seconds asked, “Where does it say that?” For the first time I was told where the Bible states what God thinks about homosexuality:
Romans 1:21-28 “For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator – who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not be done.”
I had the truth. It was not the opinion of man, but the truth from the One who created me, who wanted a relationship with me, the One I was in love with—my Lord and Savior! It was His truth! Now what?! Now I knew that my homosexual lifestyle was a ball and chain that God wanted to free me from.
I knew had a choice to make. Was it a hard decision? On one hand, it was an easy decision. On the other hand, it was a difficult one. I chose God and His Word. I chose Him because I believed what the Bible said about Him, about what God said about me. The difficulty was the relationship with my best friend I stood to lose. But I knew I had to choose. God cannot dwell with sin. My relationship with my Heavenly Father was too important to hinder. God’s light had entered into my dark place and had exposed my sinful thinking. John 8:31-32 “Jesus said, ‘If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”
God was gracious and merciful. He redeemed my life after 15 years of living in sin and deception. Although my children could have been negatively influenced by my lifestyle—as adults they sought a relationship with God.
I am now married to a man who also loves the Lord. Like most marriages, we face our fair share of trials and struggles. But we have a faithful God who, through His Word and His power, helps us to overcome these challenges. Together, we are growing in God’s grace. Hebrews 4:15-16 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Do you want life? Do you want it abundantly? Jesus says in John 10:10 “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” Is there a difficult choice you need to make? God is there. He’s waiting. Jesus’ blood gives you victory over every temptation. He died for your sins. He rose from the dead and is seated at the right hand of God so that you would have victory…if you choose Him. I can confidently assure you that, if you choose Christ, God will set you free from sinful bondage and fill your soul with His peace and joy! Choose Christ!
Faith Collier, with husband, Justice
“New Age to New Life”
I gave my life completely to God when I was 23 years old, or so I thought. After experimenting extensively with psychedelic drugs, I decided to move in to a Hindu monastery, accept a guru, and commit myself to an austere life of selfless service. I did serve faithfully in the monastery for twenty years before facing the devastating reality that I was not experiencing love of God, love of people, or inner peace. Something fundamental was wrong. The truth was that deep down in my heart I did not believe that the Hindu deities were really God; my soul was never touched, no matter how much worship or good works I performed.
After my monastic husband of 16 years left me (we had an arranged marriage, which was customary in the Hindu culture) I could barely function. I cried for one and a half years straight, non-stop, day and night. Finally, I admitted myself in to a mental hospital in California for a short time where I discovered that the patients were not really “crazy”. They had just given up. I determined to never give up until I found the Truth.
For the next 20 years I became a relentless seeker of the one true God. I thought for sure He would reveal Himself to me each time I started down a spiritual path. My search ran the gamut of old religions and New Age “higher consciousness” philosophies and practices. I became a New Age teacher, therapist, and author, counseling some very famous people with whatever my current misunderstanding of God was. Deep down inside I knew I was a hypocrite.
I was willing to explore just about everything except Christianity and the Bible. I thought I already knew who Jesus was and what He had to say. I put Christ in the same category as Buddha, Krishna, Lord this and Lord that. I was convinced that there were many Messiahs. My Jewish upbringing taught me that we were still awaiting the Savior’s arrival, so I figured I better get busy and just save myself and extend my healing gifts to others.
My life looked fine on the outside, but inside I was dying. No matter what I did, I was still empty, disillusioned, and lost. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for years for the Truth of God’s love to be revealed to me. Finally, I was directed to Calvary Chapel Kauai two and a half years ago where, for the very first time in my life, I consistently was filled, covered, blessed, uplifted, and overwhelmed with God’s grace. I enrolled in Bible College, and by being in the Word under the guidance of wonderful teachers, and glorifying God through song, I have come to know the Lord Jesus Christ and have accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. One month ago in church on Sunday, everything became crystal clear. God let me know that my conversion was complete – no more confusion, no more doubts. I am finally 100% His!
Faith Collier’s Testimony from Calvary Chapel Kauai on Vimeo.
